God thank you for leading me away from temptation. I am new blood. I got my teeth cleaned today. I went to the library in Montpelier. I found the big AA book and read a few pages and thought. Then went to the church next door and attended an AA meeting. I wasn’t planning on talking. I just thought I would sit there anonymously and listen which I did but then nobody was talking and it looked like Peter was going to call on people so I spoke up. I said I was there for the first time. That I hadn’t been to a meeting in years. The last time was in Los Angeles. I didn’t mention that it didn’t take but it didn’t. Anyway. The reason I went is I looked at myself in the mirror and thought this is not what I want. I’m tired of my hands trembling and of regular blackouts. Tired of having worked so hard to lose weight and then gaining it back by spending time lost and hiding with alcohol. So how do you decide on who to be your sponsor? Who to trust with your feeling and your failings?
I didn’t plan on doing this. Just before I left the house I was creating a character name of Bucktooth Johnny. Only thing is Bucktooth weren’t no boy. He’s a girl. That is, bucktooth sounds sort of like a boy’s name. But I do believe bucktooth is a girl, well a woman and quite the looker. But really Bucktooth is a good soul. Walleye Jackson is another character but he truly is a bit of an odd one. So.
Alcohol for me is a great seducer. Alcohol is a tease that will use you and then let you down. Disappoint you. Take your money and time and pride. Fill you with shame and questioning. Act like being with them will be somehow better the next time. It is not so with all people but it is for me. I guess the thing is I give too much of myself to alcohol without regard to my own well-being. The fault lies not in alcohol but in me and my relationship with alcohol. Alcohol is NOT manipulating me. I am susceptible to the intrinsic nature of alcohol. So who is the tease and who is the seducer? It is some part of me that wants to believe that alcohol will somehow make me something I am not. Or some fear that what I am IS not acceptable without the alcohol as a companion, to explain and express myself? Is my use of alcohol a way to feel less lonely or inhibited? If so it is a lie that sadly I have allowed myself to buy into. And buy I have. So much time and money and health wasted on my pursuit of that which has laid me low. A FALSE EXHILARATION, INeBRIATION?
I HAVE NOT INBIBED IN ALCOHOL FOR SIX DAYS. HOWEVER I HAVE BEEN HAVING DREAMS ABOUT BUYING AND DRINKING ALCOHOL. I SUPPOSE THIS WILL SUBSIDE AFTER A WHILE. The difference between fear and courage is the action you take.
I have not consumed alcohol in 27 days. I was looking forward to getting my 30 day chip on Friday Feb 5. But Jennifer pointed out to me this morning that I won’t have 30 days until Saturday. You see I count days once they are complete. Well I have to tell you my mood changed. Now I realize I started living in expectations and NOT in possibilities. I will let go of my upset. I let go.
I had a great laugh today. I was thinking about the idea that a pickle cannot go back to being a cucumber. And it occurred to me that the greenCHEVY Tahoe I drive or used to drive I named Pickles because she looks like a pickle jar on its side. Well I thought it was a pickle jar and I and Jennifer were the pickles. Perfect.
I also had a good laugh in the car thinking my mother would approve that I was with a higher class of alcoholics. Like she wanted me to play tennis and not softball. Because a better crowd of people played tennis.
RECOVERY. RECOVER ME. Thirty six days sober. Thirty day chip today.