It wasn’t just once.
There were many times.
Over many years.
Exhausted, sick, ashamed, disgusted with myself so many times.
But I am prideful.
I am arrogant.
I got on my knees.
Praying on bathroom floors, in hallways, in front of the mirror.
But then things got better.
So I had to make them worse.
By deciding I had the swagger or I just don’t care.
I’d dive right back in and swim.
Really push off and glide into oblivion.
Then oblivion left and reality crashed back down.
And who was that in the mirror?
Why was she back?
What the hell was I thinking?
I wasn’t thinking.
I was lashing out or jumping in.
And it just kept coming back to this big letdown.
My greatest fear.
To be a disappointment.