"Here's Why I'm Not Giving Up" by Rhonda


There are times I want to give up. I want to crawl in the shabby Volkswagen that is lying in wait for me, in that nasty run down garage on Dyer Street. I'd stuff the exhaust with a dirty red, rag. I want to slide in that mechanical blue metal shell, sink in the cold leather seat, slowly turn the ignition on, and die. Leave the carcass that contains heavy tire tracks on the heart.

Sometimes I want to continue to beat the fucking shit right outta my liver. Put some cigarette burns on it and drown it to death with a Tsunami of vodka. Yup, yup give up just like that. Leave the badly hurt, bumperless frame behind.

I have to dig deep not to give up. I dig desperately, intensely, feverishly. As rapidly as I dug in the sand pit when I was a child, on my way to China, I dig. I was determined back then to get to that unknown place called China; therein lies part of the reason I'm not giving up. Determination to get to a new, different destination. A determination to maneuver the steering wheel - swerving and dodging the ominous traffic . I am determined to get up the nerve to spin out in an unknown direction leaving the dust to settle as it wishes.

I have more reasons for not giving up - the typical ones like my family and friends. The blown up burden and grief I would leave as their inheritance I dare not imagine. It would be like casting a stone through their windshield. I must focus on the times to come; fill up the seats, turn the radio on, roll down the windows and breathe. I will even stop the car along the way to get out and dance on the highway.

I hope during my road trip I get to see a three headed, homeless snail. Maybe as I stop to get some new tread I will see a sleeping bumble bee. I wonder if I will see a toothless woodchuck smile at me from some undisclosed landscape? When I arrive at my new destination, I hope to get a photo of them and make a postcard, tie it to my rear view mirror and continue on my way.

I haven't given up because,
I have determination for fuel.
I haven't given up because,
my seats are filled with family and friends;
I have NOT given up because,
I have a working gear shifter made of hope.

Gary MillerComment