"Confessions of a Vulture Boy,” Poems by Sean Harrington

Confessions of a Vulture Boy 
by Sean Harrington

WHERE I’M FROM**
Whoa, Nelly—you had to ask / cover your ears, stuff ’em with grass /
FEAR / starvation / guns to my head / constant dread
I’m cold, MOM, do you hear me / I’m hungry, mom, CAN you feed me / do you want me / do you need me
I’m scared
Shot at / assaulted sexually / assaulted mentally / always unexpectedly
I’ve forgiven the step dads / I’ve forgiven the priests / I’ve forgiven the gangsters—they vex me the least
I think I’ve forgiven them, but I sure can’t forget / or can I / or should I / how could I
Have I really?
DON’T BE SILLY
The rock in my storm was lost early / I miss you, Nan / always will / but today, for now, I feel simply disappointing—not disappointed—because I’ve been anointed
I need to fight the memories / I need to kill the feelings / I need to stop the feels—with pills, with booze, SH, and risky thrills
I seek peace / but it ALLUDES me / never INCLUDES me / almost CONCLUDES me
I’ve driven it away / buried it / carried it / craved it / my past haunts me / it taunts me / the demons love me—because I’m unlovable
I thank God / I thank angels / I thank saints / I get tired sometimes / I’m running outa faints
I’m still in the fight / no end in sight / get a grip, dog—you’re high as a kite
It’s gonna take a silver bullet to kill me / at least I think so / then again—I DON’T KNOW
Yes, it’s true / I’ve done experiment’s galore / because—I AM the quintessential / indestructible / bullshit artist / shapeshifter / addict and whore

WHERE IT TOOK ME**

Well, let me see / allow me to ponder / let’s take a trip to my WAY BACK YONDER
I MADE IT BACK from hell—for round 1 million / or was it a zillion
BOOZE became my LOVER, my BESTIE, my DOWNFALL—my SELF-SABOTAGING SEXY GIRL / sometimes sharing me with her besties, Weed and Benzo / a triple-threat, threesome crescendo
I’m PURRING now—can u feel me
She’s a jealous lover / they won’t let me recover
She knows I DON’T DESERVE TO BE HAPPY / seems her mission—to make me think so / that I do know / hello, Benzo
From coast to coast / from town to town / over the seas, often upside down / jail / rubber rooms / gutters / loneliness / fatigue / SI / SA / I’m OK / just another day
Is it over yet / am I over yet
I’m tired—but not sleepy / it’s kinda creepy
Makes me weepy—boo hoo

THIS IS WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO SAY**

Listen to this—or read, if you’re able / it’s my life—not a dream / a bad trip / or fanciful fable
I’m in double, triple trouble / coasting in a bubble I can’t seem to escape / I’m semi tryin’ / I hate flyin’ / in planes, that is / shit—that sounds corny, a tad bit thorny
Deep down, it feels like I’m buyin’ dyin’ time / it’s inevitable / they say it’s unforgivable / unforgettable / SELFISH—that’s me / that I’ll tell you for FREE / trapped / hopeless / oscillating wildly / kinda like a seesaw—but different, to put it mildly
Glimmers of hope seem elusive / some kinda cult-like, sort of exclusive / sometimes abusive
Manipulator / conman / victim / villain / survivor / protector—that’s me / MOSTLY PEACEFUL / mostly innocent
WHOA / hold up, Mr. Dooley / put yer brakes on—what are you on
What really happened, you ask / YIKES / oh my goodness / goodness is not graciousness—but it could be graceful, depending on how I sugarcoat it
It’s nasty / it’s SURLY / often hateful / always hurtful / I’m rarely grateful—with a cherry on top / are you a cop
What I really wanted to say is that / I’ve seen THINGS—and I know about STUFF
It’s a Christmas miracle that I turned out as well as I did
Did I remember to tell you that I was a kid

WHEN IT HAPPENED**

In a nutshell—I was hatched / born / dropped / feet first / runnin’ / gunnin’ / duckin’ / evadin’ / slippin’ / slidin’ / often hidin’ / I’ll spare you the extra-special gory details
Basically / I was born
I’m never gonna be the poster boy for the large book of recovery or sobriety—whatever THAT is / but as for survival, I’ll settle for THAT / but just for tomorrow—not for today
I’m still here / because I’m invincible / unconvincible / did I say indestructible
Beep / beep / beep / beep
Semicolon / semicolon / semicolon
ATTENTION, ATTENTION
“There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders.”
A guy in a room once told me that those were excuses / his wisdom evades me / sometimes enrages me
Am I done now / I’m tired / is it over yet
Frankly, I feel like I’ve been accosted / my resources, fresh horses, water, a nibble or two—they’re long gone / downright exhausted
I hear PURRING now / it’s soothing / it keeps me moving
Something still loves me
Even though…
Random rooms /
my CATS /
one person—not two
I’m PURRING now / will you HEAR me / I’m PURRING now—do you SEE me
Is it over yet
Semicolon / semicolon / semicolon

BREAKIN’ OUT THE SMOOTHERS**
My best friends are my favorite confusers—dulling the effect of my abusers
Tiptoeing with Tito’s and his Benzo Bandidos / for 15 a day, he’ll make anything go away
Not a vacation or a staycation—more like evaporation / where did I go
I’m invisible /
feels comfortable /
this I do know
My critters see me / they try to feed me / love me unconditionally / kindness / affection / in spite of of my affliction / ADDICTION
I sometimes feel warm and fuzzy—WITH WITH WITH—humans who get me / in rooms or on the street
The islands are full of misfit toys / glimpses of joys
I repeat myself when under stress / I repeat myself when under duress
I wish, deep down, that I could surrender / give it up / put down my cup / but that seems to involve trusting another / I can hardly trust my own mother
So I put it all down on paper / put it all down with paint or words or blood / I’m no saint
Stuff it / crush it / drag it out of town / bury it with smoothers / indeed, I feel like a sad clown / buried upside down / being pulled up / tarred, feathered / jerked around
Screw it / there’s no hope / I’m just a guy like me / go forth, old man, with little regret / you’ll be here tomorrow—I’m willing to bet
Daddy did the best he could / could / could’ve
But…….HE COULD NOT

AT THE MOMENT**

I’m scared / I’m frightened as fuck / I’m trying to hide from myself—and others too / every day is like trying on a new shoe / the one that doesn’t fit / the one that never will / at the moment, I’m feeling ill / I’m frightened / I’m scared / I don’t know what to do
How ya doin’
I’M FINE, AND YOU?

I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND**

Why I never fit in / why nobody loved me / and used me for sin / I didn’t understand / I still don’t know why / I’ve lasted so long, having done my best to die

WHERE I’M HEADED**

That question’s dreaded
That’s a tough one / that’s a rough one
I have dreams, aspirations, considerations, halfway decent accommodations
I’d like to reinvent myself / try to climb higher upon the TOP SHELF / leave the dirt on the ground / stop eating it / wash my BRAIN MIND with water—not death / TAKE ANOTHER BREATH
SHHHHH whisperrr
Maybe I’ll have an art exhibit / maybe get more land / get a goat / get a chicken or two / jot down my memoirs—for me, not you
But you won’t / I won’t
But why
Because you’re old now, with one foot in the grave / your last chances—you’ve NONE SAVED
I don’t fear death—but suffering, OH NO / I’ve had my fill / did I tell you I feel ill / way worse than a chill
I’m tired now / do you hear me / do you see me / can you feel me
INVISIBILITY POWERS—ACTIVATE
Beep, beep, beeeeeeep____________
PERIOD
+LORD JESUS CHRIST SON OF GOD / HAVE MERCY ON ME A SINNER+
Wait a minute
WHAT’S THAT?
It can’t be true
I hear PURRING again— is it really you?
Semicolon / semicolon / semicolon