I am from my mother and
Father once great and upstanding
Now troubled and lost.
I am from a childhood of
Misunderstanding, hardships, and abuse.
I am from the 80’s big
Hair bands, snap bracelets,
And the “get out and go
Play in traffic” era.
I am from the 90s
Kurt Cobain, Biggie, Puffie
Stolen Cars with 5 stars.
I am from an addiction
To everything, love, drugs, women
Cars, food, and trouble.
I am from where I hope
My children to be not.
I want to be from
Happiness
Not active addiction
I am from a family that is part of the history of the United States, building New England & the state of Vermont
I am from ancestors that landed on Plymouth Rock & fought in the
Revolutionary War
I am from stalwart Vermonters that drove the logs down the Connecticut River and survived
I am from a family that honors family
I had my own family that got a disease, the disease of addiction.
The addiction killed and wanted to kill me. I was fighting my own personal war.
But just like my ancestors, I persevered and I am a survivor.
I am from the past, but now I am building my family’s new history...
A history yet to come…
Dear Caron, here’s what to do to help your addicted kid
You can’t do anything
You can’t help
Help yourself
Go to the Sunday night parents meeting of Al-Anon in Burlington. Big, and
Drinking and smoking weed non-stop
Cut him off, can’t do that he’s only 18.
Send him to rehab. It’s expensive. It might not stick.
Talk to him. With detachment. As a person, not as a parent. Find out where he is coming from. What about the drugs does he like? The euphoric feeling? The relief from hard feelings? What are other ways of relief? Because his friends are doing it? Are they really his friends? Do they have his best interest in mind? Maybe drop the follow up questions at first. LISTEN. Because these are all valid reasons to like drugs. But once you accept the validity of the choice, he might then be more likely to share more with you, or also accept the validity of other (maybe healthier) choices that you offer.
Send him to boarding school. Expensive. You might miss him. He might run away.
So many options, so many potentialities – unforeseeable causality, chain reactions.
Ultimately, you are powerless over him. Just as ultimately we are powerless over everything in our lives. That’s not comforting, but accepting that might provide some relief. I've heard it’s the hardest thing to accept in the world when your child’s life is on the line.
I went to rehab when I was 18. I stayed sober for four years, but I stayed stuck in other ways. I had so much shame and fear, I didn’t feel like I could honestly ever share what was really going on with me. But things that I didn’t understand or accept at the time, they’re still in my head, and they’re helping me now.
So Bingo, this is what I wanted to tell you. I’ve noticed that you rarely hang with friends and you often avoid calling me back.
Others have reported the same run around. (Sue) Your oboe practice sessions have gotten much shorter. (Wayne) You burn with an unfixated anger that doesn’t die away. Worry pulls your
face like a downward dog.
Wanna share what’s happening? You were there for me before I got into the rooms. I’m listening.
Welcome to hell. In all forms, prison is the best place to go if you don’t appreciate life. Because once there, you won’t have one. Expect the entire range of fear: little fear, medium fear, and outright terror. Expect to be denied everything at any time. It is not a good idea to anticipate things because there is a good chance that you will not get them. All the food you loved to eat is gone. Denied. If you eat all the food you are given, you will turn into a whale. When asked if you would like to go outside and work off the pounds with weights supplied and you decline, you will become a beached whale. Shaving when you want—denied, Going to sleep when you want, denied. Packages, for unexplained reasons—denied. There are a series of weeks that must go by so that you will remember who you are.And why you are here and why you should be. And maybe come to terms with how time stops and ...moves...slower...than....when... you...were...in...e...l...e...m...e....n...t...a...r....y... school. There are funny times, when the Dorm is quiet and someone passes wind and you hope it’s not you and sad times and times when you try to remember your dreams. What catches in your throat is that you can’t leave, you can’t go home, you can’t hug the children you love. Unfortunately, this is your home. I have to look for things to keep me sane. Writing poetry and a book help tremendously. Actually, a prison would be a great place for writers, because you have timeless times and a minimum of interruptions, to create your text. So if you have to go to prison, decide you are going to be a writer. Maybe you will luck out and they will teach a writing class there.
The haunting memory of that night corrupts my sleep and dreams. The night the law came was the night our life was torn at the seams.
Wearing a mask of anger to hide my sins in an iron clad disguise. All I can remember from that night was the fear in those pretty blue eyes.
Wishing I could go back to the future like Doc and Marty McFly, this prison time is real and staying strong is the option I can try.
What was done is not alright, yet we are not always in the wrong. We were branded outlaws like in that old Wild West song.
The look in those pretty blue eyes is what I remember about that night. Please always stand firm my dear, don’t ever give in or lose the will to fight.
The confusion of that nightwas hazy but turned to a vivid blur. Being controlled by addiction is a sickness and prison is not a cure.
Those pretty blue eyes will always remind me what I have done. They remind me of the good and bad and I couldn’t forget our unborn son.
Hindered by feelings of anger, hatred and heartache pain. Now I am walking with a scar of embarrassment covered with a dirty stain.
I dream of your true blue eyes. It never changes, it’s always the same. I am sorry for everything my dear I feel bad and all sorts of shame.
Dear (whoever it may concern)You might not get how people can get addicted to things. But let me tell you, it’s real. My addiction to me is like the mother I never had and when I am feeling lonely or sad or even depressed, it’s there to hold me, give me a hug and a kiss and always promises me everything is going to be all right. Life is hard, at least to me. So I ask you, what’s better then grabbing a bottle and within 30 minutes, your mind and the way you feel makes you feel better. I’m not proud of my addiction. I am 28 years old and i have been struggling since I was in my early 20's. You might not be addicted to something. But just because your not, don’t try and judge me or my character, because the bottle does not define me. Look at yourself before you wanna start talking about somebody else.
1 tender and loving Mom
1 already seasoned old school Stepfather
1 Heavenly spirited big sister (for inspiration)
2 20 lb. cats (extra cuddly and playful)
3 cups of therapy
1 cup going back to school to become a teacher
2 tbsp writing and reading every day
2 tbsp music (the cosmic dance of the soul)
2 tbsp laughter
Season liberally with forgiveness, patience, understanding and love
Stir gently and often
Allow to simmer - One Day at a Tim
To the kid who broke into my neighbor’s car last Thursday. I just wanted to say, was it worth it?
You had you whole life ahead of you, excited for your 16th birthday coming up in two weeks. Waiting, impatiently, wondering if you present was going to be a car so you could just drive and drive and forget about the letter you’d found. You were looking for that frilly black top to wear on your first official date with Zeke, the star basketball player, when it fell from the top shelf of your mother’s closet.
The letter was written on the finest of paper with soft, poufy clouds floating at the top with the sun’s rays poking through. The letter, with its curvy words, was full of fancy embellishments; every word, every letter full of anticipation, new beginnings, and new possibilities.
The name at the bottom, “James,” wasn’t familiar, but the stationary was. You knew that your science teacher, Mr. Caswell, had that same kind of paper because he let you use it once to write a note. You didn’t think about his first name until you saw it in your mother’s possession. Then, when you dug the a little deeper, you saw your mother’s own stationary, with nature scenery on it, and you noticed that some were missing.
And when you cuddled with your father one night when your mother was “out,” you got very angry and decided that you did not want “James” Caswell to have any embellished words written from your mother. You decided to visit your teacher, since he lived three houses over, to search and retrieve any such letters. But alas, you found none in his house.
So, one night, you slipped outside, when all the houses were dark, and you knew everyone would be asleep. You went over to “James’” car. Your heart was pounding in your ears, giving you a slight headache. You peeked in the window. The light from the moon shone in, and you could see some papers with nature scenes on them. A rush of anger surged through you, and you punched the window. Ignoring the pain, you grabbed the letters, and ran around the block, once, before climbing up the tree and going into your bedroom window.
Now, you sit in the office at school writing down this letter “to the kid who broke into my neighbor’s car last Thursday”. Waiting, impatiently wondering, what your fate will be.
P.S. To answer your question: Yes it was.
Oh, I must say
Even though
I’ve despised your shrill sound
So often, on far too many mornings
(and perhaps afternoons)
It might have been you, after all
that helped keep the paychecks rolling in
for more than a few jobs
What scares me the most is that I might be letting my days and nights flow by too fast, that maybe there really is something I’m supposed to be paying attention to?
Maybe there’s a plan or purpose that I knew as a child but over the years I lost contact with it. Maybe I discarded it along with my other toys and now I can’t even picture what it might have looked like or where to find it.
As I wonder about this notion of purpose from my observation bench on Church Street I gaze out toward the people walking past and I can’t help but think that if there is something we’re supposed to be doing, something other than strolling around looking nervous and dopy, it doesn’t seem like the message was delivered very well. By the look of the costumes people are wearing it appears we must be fixated on a sort of stance toward Halloween.
Doesn’t it seem odd to you, too, that we are alive without anything particular to do? I mean what the heck is this all about? It doesn’t seem right that we should have to worry so much on how to keep ourselves occupied. Distractions shouldn’t be the whole theme to being alive.
There were two billion people on this planet when I was born are now we’re up to seven billion. Pretty soon it will be twenty billion and the stories we tell ourselves of why we happen to be alive will be far different than today. I wonder how the after-life story will hold up. Will the notion of eternity, and judgment, still be talked about?
What if we live this nervous life to the bitter end only to discover that there is no end. Now, isn’t all this nervousness a bit silly, I mean what were we worried about, we have all the time we can stand.
I suppose what scares me the most is that I don’t understand a fucking thing about how this all came about and where it’s going. If it’s an accident its one hell of a glorious accident and if it’s not an accident then we’re all a bunch of inept nincompoops for not figuring it out.
We used to play a lot of things. We would play on the swing-set, swinging and soaring high in the air or sliding down fast. We would play hide and seek sometimes. We would play “Mother May I?”
But there was this one game that I played when I was a kid. Sometimes other kids had to play it, too, but I didn’t know that until I was older. It was a game not for little kids. It was a secret. It was a game I didn’t like to play, but I had to anyway.
Games are supposed to be fun when you are a kid. When I was a child, there was this game we used to play. It is something I cannot say. I don’t speak it. I don’t think it. But I did like hide-and-seek. I liked to hide. I was good at it. Hiding. So no one could find and seek me.
When I was a child, there was this game we used to play.
If you need help, here’s what I can offer
I can offer you my ears
for I have two, ready to listen and hear
Hear the story of your life as you have chosen
The rollercoaster of emotions: love, pain, and fear
But
I cannot offer you my heart
for it is not completely whole
Bits and pieces; eroded, corroded
throughout the years, somebody stole
I can offer you a warm embrace
Cry to let it out, don’t hold it all in
or scream and shout and put up a fuss
Then you can let it go, and begin again
But
I cannot offer you my soul
for I have given it to the stars mighty high
Up above, when the time comes
My home it will be when I die
I can offer you my spirit
My transcendent celestial body
My wisdom gained and lessons learned
to guide and aide you on your own journey
But
I cannot offer you my path
for it is well worn and beaten, my friend
But I can offer you strength and love
on your own path until life’s end
1) Don’t drink.
2) Don’t take drugs.
3) Accept sobriety even if it’s not pretty or didn’t come out of the oven the way you had planned.
4) Show others how to make the cake and share what you bake with one another.
5) Use fresh ingredients.
6) Improvise as needed.
7) Don’t be afraid of trying out new recipes.
8) Savor the taste and if it doesn’t taste right, change things around.
9) Let things cool down before eating.
10) Don’t overcook or undercook.
11) Practice, it gets better.
12) Eat it.
Photo copyright 2007 Gary Miller
The haunting memory of that night corrupts my sleep and dreams. The night the law came was the night our life was torn at the seams.
Wearing a mask of anger to hide my sins in an iron clad disguise. All I can remember from that night was the fear in those pretty blue eyes.
Wishing I could go back to the future like Doc and Marty McFly, this prison time is real and staying strong is the option I can try.
What was done is not alright, yet we are not always in the wrong. We were branded outlaws like in that old Wild West song.
The look in those pretty blue eyes is what I remember about that night. Please always stand firm my dear, don’t ever give in or lose the will to fight.
The confusion of that night was hazy but turned to a vivid blur. Being controlled by addiction is a sickness and prison is not a cure.
Those pretty blue eyes will always remind me what I have done. They remind me of the good and bad and I couldn’t forget our unborn son.
Hindered by feelings of anger, hatred and heartache pain. Now I am walking with a scar of embarrassment covered with a dirty stain.
I dream of your true blue eyes. It never changes, it’s always the same. I am sorry for everything my dear I feel bad and all sorts of shame.
A letter to the kid who broke into my neighbor's car last Thursday.
You suck, kid. And I don't really care that you're a drug addict. I'm one too. You owe Mrs. Jones a new windshield and an apology. You should have seen her crying when she came outside Friday morning. Poor woman. She worked so hard for that car.
"Work?" you say.
Well kid, it's an English word. It's defined as "mental or physical activity as a means of earning income." The place one goes to work is called a "job." And as a drug addict in this economy, you're gonna need two. Maybe even three if you plan to keep getting those bad tattoos and making your earlobes bigger.
I guess I'm old fashioned, but in my day a man had to earn his drugs. That's why God made so many restaurants for us to work at.
If you're alive 10 years from now and talking about your recovery at the middle school, maybe I'll see things differently. But for now, you suck. The neighborhood's not safe any more. Cars are only the beginning. Then it's breaking and entering, assault and armed robbery.
Sorry if your dad wasn't around. Mine either. Sorry if your mom's crazy. Mine too. But please stop fucking up the world. A lot of nice people are trying to live here.
Sincerely,
Anonymous
I wake up to the sun beaming on my face. The smell of stale liquor just consumes the room. I try and get myself motivated to get up and take a shower but the thought of walking into the bathroom and looking at myself scares me. So instead of facing reality, I go into the kitchen and open another bottle, thinking to myself I’ll deal with reality another day. All the while the alcohol is just making it much worse. And the self pity takes over, getting trapped in my own thoughts, hating life, but still not being able to put the bottle down. Not having any regard for my well-being. My cat looks at me as if he is saying ‘What is wrong with you. Get your shit together. And me looking at him as if to say ‘Leave me alone. I don’t wanna deal with your shit today.’
I wake up to my phone ringing, it’s my mother calling me on the first of the month to say rabbit rabbit. We joke for a sec and then get off the phone. Before I do anything I stop and say a prayer and thank God for waking me up. I walk into the bathroom not even thinking about the mirror and proceed to take a shower and brush my teeth. I go into the kitchen and start making my usual breakfast, eggs, sausage, and onion and turn on sportscenter so I can get my much needed sports news. I sit in my living room eating my breakfast as well as my cat eats right beside me, we look at each other as if we are saying ‘Today is gonna be a good day.’ I get up, go outside feeling nothing but happiness and thank the Lord for a beautiful day and then I say to myself, ‘Another day sober,’ an continue with my day.
Congratulations.
You are the crown of this Day.
From each second that you would
punch the clock. Push it and fill your
mind with platforms. Platforms that
will hold your future.
Congratulations, you are in your future.
So here for you, I hold some
Navigational suggestions. If you
remember them, they will serve you.
Seek friendship.
Be honest with yourself.
Plan your weeks and the Days
will take care of themselves.
Find someone to love.
If you have someone to love, love them.
Seek problems.
Solve problems.
Make the world a better place.
You are the master of your destiny.
Find joy and share it.
God Bless you.
(Click photos to advance through slideshow)
The Barre Writers for Recovery group had a fantastic reading Wednesday night at Studio Place Arts in Barre. We presented work by 13 readers in all, with most reading in person. We had a packed house, and the responses from the audience were just incredible. People commented on the quality of the writing, the emotion it contained, and the courage shown by the readers, who shared some extremely personal work. Special guests included Writers for Recovery Executive Director Bess O'Brien and several folks from the Burlington Writers for Recovery Group, who came all the way to Burlington to support their fellow writers. Deb and I are so pleased at the commitment and hard work of the members of the Barre group. Thanks to everyone for a great night, and for Sue Higby of Studio Place Arts for hosting!
Gina Conn from the Times-Argus came by to talk with Deb and me about the Barre Writers for Recovery Group, then wrote a really nice profile of the Barre group. Camera ace Jeb Wallace-Brodeur made the two of us look pretty good. You can see the result by clicking here.
